CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery

October 22, 2018 7:00 pm
CAPS to be Reimagined as Haberdashery

Dr. Melinda Skork, director of Counseling and Psychological Services, announced Monday that the student support program will begin transitioning into a men’s accessory store this year. “After much deliberation and amid ongoing funding issues, the University has concluded that what would most cost-effectively help students prosper is a high-end haberdashery,” […]

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The Flu Makes Hoover Tower Flaccid: A Flipside True Crime Exposé

October 21, 2018 7:00 pm
The Flu Makes Hoover Tower Flaccid: A Flipside True Crime Exposé

While Stanford students have been trying their best to avoid sickness this week, Hoover Tower hasn’t been so lucky. Last Tuesday, it lilted to a half-limp; like a squeezed-out bottle of toothpaste, our proud, phallic monument fell. And that’s exactly what made Maurice Pillup, freshman, so furious. Pillup — the […]

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Only Freshman Not Enrolled in CS Class Burned at the Stake

October 15, 2018 7:00 pm
Only Freshman Not Enrolled in CS Class Burned at the Stake

As class shopping came to a finish this past week and students finalized their schedules for the quarter, 18-year-old Jedidiah Smith of the Hall of Crothers was reported to be not enrolled in a single CS class. In line with Stanford’s sacred code, a trial was conducted by President Marc […]

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Seeking Defense Against Allegations, Law Professor Insists He’s 1/37.5th Asian

October 8, 2018 7:00 pm
Seeking Defense Against Allegations, Law Professor Insists He’s 1/37.5th Asian

On Tuesday, The Fountain Hopper broke news that Stanford Law School Professor John Donohue had been accused of using racial slurs against a group of Asian basketball players. After initially labeling the allegations defamatory, Donohue has since updated his position on the matter by citing his own “deeply-held Asian heritage” […]

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Stanford Still Refusing to Divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater

7:00 pm
Stanford Still Refusing to Divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater

In a statement made to the Board of Trustees early Monday morning, President Marc Tessier-Lavigne confirmed that despite ongoing protests from the student body, Stanford has no immediate plans to divest from Abbadon the Soul Eater. Tessier-Lavigne cited “enormous profits” and “the continued Hell-blessed prosperity of the endowment” as reasons […]

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Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting

9:00 am
Erratic Presentation by ‘Onion’ Co-Founder Culminates With Public Shitting

In a rambling presentation — to use the term loosely — that took place deep in the stacks of Green Library Thursday evening, ‘The Onion’ co-founder Scott Dikkers advocated for authenticity, humor and the worship of an apocalyptic death cult known as the Noino before explosively defecating as students nearby […]

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Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures

October 1, 2018 12:00 pm
Revamped CAPS Now Offering Back Pats, Cat Pictures

Following a slew of allegations that Stanford discriminates against and refuses to accommodate students with mental health issues, the University has begun the new year with a clear plan for how it will prioritize campus support resources and the students who need them. At the top of the list? Counseling […]

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Report: ‘Beyond Sex Ed’ to be Renamed ‘Bed Bath and Beyond Sex Ed’ after Massive Corporate Merger

12:00 pm
Report: ‘Beyond Sex Ed’ to be Renamed ‘Bed Bath and Beyond Sex Ed’ after Massive Corporate Merger

Though unknown to many, Leland Stanford Junior University is broke, its endowment falling by over 80% over the last few years. This dramatic decline comes from two reasons: the extravagant budget for the increasingly lavish sex-positive programming that the university has been putting on in recent years, and the resulting […]

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Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

10:53 am
Dean Shaw Finally Announces One Admission Mistake

In breaking news, Dean Richard Shaw has revealed information on Stanford’s first admissions mistake. Spoiler: it’s you. The proclamation has left thousands of other students relieved, as they are now assured of their place at America’s most prestigious university, after Harvard, probably.   “After poring over admissions records, we’ve concluded […]

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Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit

10:41 am
Eurotrash Now A Twelve-Part Lecture Series About Brexit

Freshmen eager to attend their first-ever college party were left disappointed Friday night when, upon showing up to Kappa Sigma drunk and ready to dance, they were turned away and told that Eurotrash had been restructured as a lecture series exploring the sociocultural underpinnings of Brexit. “This is the first […]

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