Carta Rolls Out New “Likelihood Your Professor Will Get MeToo’d” Statistic

October 9, 2019 12:00 pm
Carta Rolls Out New “Likelihood Your Professor Will Get MeToo’d” Statistic

This past week, news of the resignation of Marty Stepp, the subject of multiple Title IX investigations and a CS Lecturer who coincidentally was Facebook friends with an uncomfortable number of former students, shocked students and faculty across campus. The administration quickly jumped into high gear to do what it […]

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Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without

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Study Reveals Cars Prefer Eating Cyclists With Helmets Over Those Without

New research on the gastronomical habits of motor vehicles has revealed that cars — and to a lesser extent buses, motorcycles, and trucks — express a significant dietary preference for cyclists wearing helmets over those who ride with scalp and hair exposed. Scientists have deduced that this is because, like […]

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The Opportunity of a Lifetime? Join the Flipside! Read On…

October 2, 2019 12:00 pm
The Opportunity of a Lifetime? Join the Flipside! Read On…

Pssst — hey! Hey you! Yeah, you, with the cute face and the existential dread. Great to see ya! We just wanted to write a quick back-to-school note (especially for all those new folks out there) and pre-emptively answer some of those burning-hot questions this here slip of paper might […]

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Admissions Rate Dips Below 2% for all Laboratory Rodents at Stanford

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Admissions Rate Dips Below 2% for all Laboratory Rodents at Stanford

With a mere 4% acceptance rate, Stanford boasts the most competitive admissions for university human applicants. However, an even more shocking number was released yesterday — only 1.7% of all lab mice that applied to be experimented on in Stanford labs were accepted this year. With access to the newest […]

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An Open Letter from Susie Brubaker-Cole: It is With a Heavy Heart That I Must Solemnly Declare That No ““Fucking”” Is Permitted to Occur on This Noble Campus

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Susie (Susan Jean) Brubaker-Cole  VICE PROVOST FOR STUDENT AFFAIRS

Friends, Cardinals, countrymen—lend me your ears! The trials and tribulations of this first week have no doubt been many, from classes scheduled to take place in nonexistent buildings to freak bicycle collisions with clowns carrying large panes of glass across the road. But, in the wake of Beyond Sex Ed, […]

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Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

June 10, 2019 3:00 pm
Steinbeck Wins Creative Writing Prize Posthumously for Eightieth Year in Row

The Stanford English Department has announced that, for the eighth straight decade, John Ernest Steinbeck Jr. has won the less-than-competitive fiction prize awarded to a marginally literate undergraduate every year. “We were really struck by his submission ‘The Vigilante,’” said one judge. “His nuanced and thoughtful treatment of themes such […]

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FroSoCo Preassignees Mistakenly Assigned to TDX

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FroSoCo Preassignees Mistakenly Assigned to TDX

On Tuesday, Residential Education acknowledged that several who preassigned to the Freshman-Sophomore College (FroSoCo) were mistakenly assigned to Theta Delta Chi (TDX) due to a “procedural data entry error.” ResEd has reviewed its procedures and discovered a flaw in their method of assigning students to campus residences. “We typed it […]

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Op Ed: I Drew Into Harry Elam Jr.’s Kitchen

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Op Ed: I Drew Into Harry Elam Jr.’s Kitchen

Look, I was disappointed at first about my draw number of 8310, but turns out living in Vice Provost for Education Harry Elam Jr.’s kitchen isn’t the worst thing in the world. He gives me back rubs every day and it almost makes up for the fact that he’s manacled […]

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Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

May 31, 2019 12:00 pm
Average Stanford Student Adversity Score Somehow in the Negatives

Researchers were shocked to discover that the average Stanford student scores a -3.4 on the SAT’s recently-introduced adversity scale. “It’s just bonkers,” said one College Board representative. “We didn’t even know that there could be scores below zero.” Formally known as the Environmental Context Dashboard, the new adversity score system […]

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CS Department to Add Karaoke Subtitle Mode to Lectures, Bouncy Dot Included

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CS Department to Add Karaoke Subtitle Mode to Lectures, Bouncy Dot Included

In an attempt to try to restore popularity to the discipline of computer science here on campus after the crushing blow of the removal of the popular CS+X program, Stanford’s CS department has announced its plan to provide subtitles with every lecture recording with an added twist: these subtitles will […]

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