Last month, the Univeristy was shocked when the United States Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) discovered economics lecturer Alex Gould misappropriated funds from a venture capital fund he advised. This resulted in a hefty $726,000 fine, a socially-distanced public stoning, and further investigation by SEC Chairman Jay Clayton.
What he found was an issue much bigger than lil old Gould:
“When we got Alex Gould, I could feel in my bones there was something fishy going on,” said Clayton, grumbling to himself and gesticulating randomly to a bulletin board covered in red yarn and images of University officials. “It hit me when a summer intern in the econ department mistook me for a bumbling tourist and started talking my ear off about Nutri-Boost vitamins and how they were President Marc Tessier-Levigne’s key to youth.”
What on the surface appeared to be a single man stealing funds from a venture capital fund to build his son a nice enough gaming PC to keep custody of him turned out to be a University wide scam to sell unassuming tourists, transfer students, and extended family Stanford affiliates on Nutri-Boost vitamins.
“Gould was just an attempt to jumpstart the scheme after huge losses last quarter due to the Corono virus; just a cog in the machine, easily replaceable,” President MTL when confronted with evidence of the scheme. “But fret not; we here at Stanford pride ourselves on our resourcefulness and ability to bounce back from failure. Our rich, diverse student body and staff of elite professors provide us with the opportunity to reach corners of the vitamin market sorority girls have only dreamt of, and devise a multi-tiered plan of investment tailored to each investor.”
MTL was last seen mobilizing children from the Escondido Elementary school to slip pamphlets into unsuspecting tourists around campus, promising them two reads on their college applications in 2030.