I Hate the Fucking Ski Trip—Let’s Go to Hell Instead

January 14, 2019 7:00 pm
I Hate the Fucking Ski Trip—Let’s Go to Hell Instead

The ski trip sucks, okay? Nobody cares about “mountains”, or “snow”, or “having fun”, or “contracting sepsis from the shitty beds or whatever I don’t really know what causes sepsis or even what sepsis is”. It’s a claustrophobic little fucknest of sin and depravity where you have to be in […]

Read more ›

Vampires Invited Past Threshold of Kappa Sigma in Bid to Increase Diversity

December 10, 2018 7:00 pm
Vampires Invited Past Threshold of Kappa Sigma in Bid to Increase Diversity

Amid widespread criticism of Stanford’s Greek scene as “a place for white people to do white things,” members of Kappa Sigma have taken on a last-ditch effort to introduce some diversity to the frat with an open invitation for any interested vampires to enter their house. “People always complain about […]

Read more ›

The Stanford Flipside Finals Survival Guide

7:00 pm
The Stanford Flipside Finals Survival Guide

I’m here to give you an all-inclusive, comprehensive, slightly erotic survival guide to get you through this week.  First, I sit down at a desk and prepare to get to work. Not my own desk, because there are too many empty Svedka bottles on it, which are arranged by the […]

Read more ›

450 Heterosexual Females Not Matched in Marriage Pact All Get Free Teslas

December 3, 2018 7:00 pm
450 Heterosexual Females Not Matched in Marriage Pact All Get Free Teslas
Read more ›

Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates

7:00 pm
Student Only Now Getting Plague Mocked By Previously Poxed Classmates

The end of fall quarter is coming, bringing along with it an unhealthy amount of final projects, exams and presentations. For most students, these alone are enough to drive them to mental breakdown, obsessive ingestion of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and late nights freebasing powdered sugar in the kitchenette to stave […]

Read more ›

Acquaintance’s Enthusiastic “Hello” Sparks Confusion for Student Biker

November 27, 2018 7:00 pm
Acquaintance’s Enthusiastic “Hello” Sparks Confusion for Student Biker

In a perplexing turn of events Friday before break, sophomore Billy Redrick’s enthusiastic “hello” caused unwarranted levels of emotional distress for another student’s normally relaxing ride around campus as she was forced to consider what level of friendship would require her to stop her bike. “When he shouted “hello” and […]

Read more ›

Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum

7:00 pm
Heroic Door Alarm Thwarts Criminal Scum

In a stunning turn of events last Friday, a potential intruder on Stanford’s campus was utterly foiled by the heroic appearance of a door alarm. The unidentified trespasser, who has been described as a person of indeterminate gender and race between the ages of zero and sixty-nine, was seen attempting […]

Read more ›

Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language

November 12, 2018 7:00 pm
Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language

In recent news, yet another momentous achievement by your roommate has served to highlight your own fundamental inadequacy as a human being. While you were playing Fork Knife for the seventh consecutive hour this past Tuesday, recent reports have indicated that your cotenant was learning to speak Bulgarian. “I’m almost […]

Read more ›

Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

7:00 pm
Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

The Fountain Hopper reported earlier this week that the unnamed-but-legendary founder of The Stanford Daily rose from their grave to express profound disappointment with the journalistic performance of the Daily for the past century. The Daily was founded in 1892, and the enormous spiritual power that its deceased founder had […]

Read more ›

Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

7:00 pm
Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

The grass on Meyer Green was stained a dark and brilliant red last Wednesday when Viltautė Findlay, now-former Otero Treasurer, was executed, with a crowd of cheering students looking on. Treason at Stanford is defined as “levying War against it, or adhering to its Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort”, and […]

Read more ›