Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups

May 26, 2020 2:55 pm
Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups

Some places get bombed-out ruins, some places get totalitarian dictatorship, some places get the bright city with a seedy cyberpunk underbelly, but Stanford’s post-apocalypse looks a little different: stalking through the main quad colonnades and knocking on dormitory doors are roving bands of finger-snapping, tap-dancing a Capella groups. That’s right, […]

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Admin Announces Fall Quarter Plan: Stanford at Sea

May 17, 2020 11:41 am
Admin Announces Fall Quarter Plan: Stanford at Sea

After weeks of long-winded statements with no new information, President Tessier-Lavigne’s most recent email was a welcome change. He and the Vice Provost for Maritime Operations Brett Crozier announced on Monday the much-anticipated plans for Stanford’s fall 2020 quarter. “Ahoy mateys,” the email began, “after careful consideration of the 2020 […]

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PWR Director Announces Students can Replace PWR 1 by Ghostwriting MTL’s Emails

11:40 am
PWR Director Announces Students can Replace PWR 1 by Ghostwriting MTL’s Emails

Recently, PWR faculty director Adam Banks announced that students could apply to ghostwrite President Marc Tessier–Lavigne’s coronavirus update emails instead of taking PWR 1. The idea was actually President Tessier–Lavigne’s own.  “It’s easy, really – I just don’t have the time,” said Tessier–Lavigne, as he invested 10% of the endowment […]

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Stanford to Bring Back All Those Experiments from the ‘60s Where They’d, Like, Give Teenagers Shrooms and Then Electrocute Them

May 12, 2020 4:32 pm
Stanford to Bring Back All Those Experiments from the ‘60s Where They’d, Like, Give Teenagers Shrooms and Then Electrocute Them

Facing a budget shortfall amid the coronavirus crisis, the Stanford administration has announced plans to reinvigorate school finances by reintroducing those fucked up experiments they used to do back in the ‘60s. You know, the ones where they’d, like, give a bunch of local teens psilocybin and then electrocute them […]

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Stanford Administration Releases Video of Contract Worker Praising Stanford While Held at Gunpoint

4:17 pm
Stanford Administration Releases Video of Contract Worker Praising Stanford While Held at Gunpoint

Following controversy over inaction and misleading statements regarding the University’s plans to cut benefits and pay to contract workers, Provost Persis Drell’s latest email to students and faculty did little to calm the growing outrage among the community. After a warm greeting consisting of a three-hundred-word monologue describing where Susie […]

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Student stands up during Zoom session, revealing that they’re not wearing pants and also have the legs and torso of a horse

April 26, 2020 11:04 am
Student stands up during Zoom session, revealing that they’re not wearing pants and also have the legs and torso of a horse
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RA Who Got Sent Home Still Leaving Bowl of Condoms Outside Room for Parents to Use

11:01 am
RA Who Got Sent Home Still Leaving Bowl of Condoms Outside Room for Parents to Use

When the majority of undergraduate students were told to leave campus, ResEd vowed to pay student staff as they continue to perform their duties remotely. While all staff members are continuing to support their Stanford residents virtually, some are also taking their duties a step further. Donner RA Jasmine Douglas, […]

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STANFORD UNDER INVESTIGATION BY DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY: University Reportedly Selling Student Drugs to Make Up for Rapidly Dwindling Endowment

April 24, 2020 4:44 pm
STANFORD UNDER INVESTIGATION BY DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCY: University Reportedly Selling Student Drugs to Make Up for Rapidly Dwindling Endowment

Following the well-handled and not-at-all-haphazard evacuation of undergraduate dorms, Stanford University has been faced with answering the question coming from many students — what the hell was going to happen to all their belongings left on campus, from vibrators and history textbooks to recreational drugs of all kinds and large […]

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Pay Cut Prompts Provost Drell to Move Into Shack, Begin Eating Nothing But ‘Deliciously Imperfect’ Vegetables

4:39 pm
Pay Cut Prompts Provost Drell to Move Into Shack, Begin Eating Nothing But ‘Deliciously Imperfect’ Vegetables

Following the news that Persis Drell will be taking a self-imposed 20% pay cut while the University grapples with the coronavirus’ financial implications, Flipside reporters caught up with the Provost this weekend to see how she’s been handling the change. We found her amidst the swamplands on the edge of […]

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If You Liked English 92 You’ll Like Petite Step-Sister MILF, Declares Updated CARTA 

April 19, 2020 3:13 pm
If You Liked English 92 You’ll Like Petite Step-Sister MILF, Declares Updated CARTA 
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