1 Dead, 5 Injured After Tragic Social Dance Collision

November 10, 2018 12:00 pm
1 Dead, 5 Injured After Tragic Social Dance Collision

1 Dead, 5 Injured After Tragic Social Dance I Collision In an unfortunate sequence of events, one graduate student died and five underclassmen were injured after a student let go of his partner during a standard dance maneuver in a Social Dance I class last week. The Stanford University Police […]

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Report: Ghost Hitler to Be the Next Guest Invited to Campus in SCR’s Ongoing “Controversial Speakers” Series

November 5, 2018 7:00 pm
Report: Ghost Hitler to Be the Next Guest Invited to Campus in SCR’s Ongoing “Controversial Speakers” Series

Late last night, before the libtards could wake up and man their social justice warrior battle stations, the Stanford College Republicans announced that they would be inviting Adolf Hitler, former Living Nazi and current Ghost Nazi, to speak at Cemex Auditorium in early December as part of their ongoing “Controversial […]

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Stanford to Begin Replacing Classes with Google Onboarding Program

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Stanford to Begin Replacing Classes with Google Onboarding Program

As part of Stanford’s ongoing long-range planning initiative, University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne and Provost Persis Drell announced Monday morning an ambitious new vision for Stanford that will see “classes” and “schoolwork” gradually phased out and replaced with a multi-stage onboarding program for future Google employees. “Stanford’s current model of education […]

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PHE’s Stop Giving Out Glow in the Dark Condoms, Dudes Lose Their Dicks

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PHE’s Stop Giving Out Glow in the Dark Condoms, Dudes Lose Their Dicks

In protest of the grotesquely low salaries they are being paid, peer health educators (PHEs) across all dorms are now going on strike. As a part of this strike, they are refusing to dole out the usual supply of Neosporin, band aids, and life advice. What has proven the most […]

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CAPS Director Tosses Single Counselor, Broken-in-Half Pool Cue in to Room Full of Depressed Students

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CAPS Director Tosses Single Counselor, Broken-in-Half Pool Cue in to Room Full of Depressed Students
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Stanford Tackles Overcrowding by Pitching Tents on Football Field

November 3, 2018 3:00 pm
Stanford Tackles Overcrowding by Pitching Tents on Football Field

So many trees, so little room! The Stanford Class of 2022 is projected to overwhelm the school’s feeble infrastructure. The university has historically had a problems with overcrowding, which is no surprise, considering its meager $25 billion endowment. Fortunately, it seems that the university with the second largest campus in […]

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Overzealous PHE Caught Castrating Residents

October 29, 2018 7:00 pm
Overzealous PHE Caught Castrating Residents

The past years have seen numerous efforts by the administration to foster a safe sexual culture and combat the rampant teenage pregnancy rate afflicting campus – to no avail. Despite campaigns involving distributing brownies containing condoms and including birth control pills in dining halls at weekend brunch, the university students […]

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Tibetan Mushroom Farmer Drops Out to Become Stanford Student

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新华社照片,日喀则(西藏),2009年7月24日
    藏乡土豆丰收在望
    7月23日,西藏南木林县艾玛岗农民卓玛在土豆田里劳作。
    西藏日喀则地区南木林县艾玛岗乡是西藏最有名的土豆之乡,2008年该乡土豆种植面积达3.74万亩,占全县土豆种植面积的32%,土豆总产量1.92亿斤,实现收入6720万元,种植土豆已成为当地农民脱贫致富的重要途径。
    新华社记者 觉果 摄

To the confusion and protest of many, Rinchen Tangpa, Tibetan mushroom farmer, has made the decision to drop out of the ancestral mushroom farming business and enroll in Stanford University. “I just needed to get away from it all,” said Rinchen Tangpa. “I felt like I was getting too caught […]

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Visiting Alumni Kidnap Unsuspecting Students and Drink Their Blood to Secure Eternal Life

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Visiting Alumni Kidnap Unsuspecting Students and Drink Their Blood to Secure Eternal Life
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Vaden Offering Free Lobotomies as Stanford Enters Flu Season

October 22, 2018 7:00 pm
Vaden Offering Free Lobotomies as Stanford Enters Flu Season

It’s about that time of year again: flu season! The time when students, while shotgunning NyQuil like it’s Natty Light, desperately curse their past selves for having taken 15 shots every weekend and played beer pong with cups that all of Stern Hall drank from. And while the common cold […]

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