KA Barricades Frat House, Promises to Outlast Siege

In what is being described as “Waco 2.0,” members of the Kappa Alpha have reportedly barricaded themselves inside the fraternity house with a stockpile of illegal weapons, substances, and stolen rape kits. Following the ASSU vote to de-house Stanford Greek Life followed by confirmation that Stanford would enforce the decision, KA residents have taken to shoving their piss-stained furniture against the doors and stationing themselves at the windows with squirt guns full of Natty Light. Throughout the day, chants can be heard from inside the house, including “Fuck the Admin’s Neighborhoods, Defend the Sacred Brotherhood!” and “Jesus was a Kappa brother!” Stanford Administration commented that “Should the brothers not cooperate, things will get a little… heated.” At press time, a mysterious cloud of smoke was seen wafting over west campus. 

Market at Munger to be Replaced by Whole Foods as Part of Economic Accessibility Initiative 

With a significantly smaller student population on campus at the moment, Stanford saw this as an opportunity to respond to criticism about the exorbitant high prices at Munger Market and do some reconstructing, replacing it with a more financially friendly option for students of all backgrounds* to enjoy: Whole Foods. With its wide variety of vegan, vegetarian, and paleo food options on top of the successive payments that must be made to unlock each section of the supermarket, Stanford administration has seen this as a tangible improvement towards campus eateries; staples such as pasta are now a mere $15 dollars a box instead of $20, individual bananas are only $6, and packaged cups of water are listed at only $2.25. What a deal!

Op-Ed: I Showed Up to Vote at My Local Precinct but Every Time a Ballot Went into the Box There Were Loud Chewing and Swallowing Noises

With all this hullabaloo lately about how mail-in ballots aren’t reliable and you’ve got to turn your vote in yourself, I marched up to my local voting station with forms in one hand and civically-minded righteousness in the other, only to be greeted with this rat-faced attendant cajoling people into just leaving their envelope in this box-just-large-enough-to-have-a-person-inside, all it’ll be just fine, sir slash ma’am, just leave it with us. Well, I didn’t buy that crap for one minute, no indeed, since mama didn’t raise no fool who’d get conned out of a vote for Jo Jorgensen, Libertarian candidate extraordinaire, and especially not to someone who’s trying to get more than 500% of their daily fiber intake through pulp and ink. Knowing there was a hungry little leftist in there just waiting to eat my ballot up like a fancy catfish hors d’oeuvre, I looked that nimrod of an attendant right in the eye, stuffed my ballot into my own mouth, and, spit and gummed-up sheets flying everywhere, I told ’em, “That’s how an American votes.” 

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