Op Ed: A Joseph A. Banks Employee Won’t Stop Crashing My Lecture, and When a Tie Clip Took My Right Eye I’d Had Enough

May 31, 2019 12:00 pm
Portrait of boy, emotion, angry, grey background

“You’re dressed like shit! Take this!” the man screams. He rips off a boy’s Henley shirt, sets it on fire, and then hands him a starched, white shirt. Stiff collar and all. Oh boy, here we go again. Three times a week this man comes in here — I don’t […]

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Attention Earthlings: We Are Now Entering the Umami Phase of the Moon’s Orbit

12:00 pm
Attention Earthlings: We Are Now Entering the Umami Phase of the Moon’s Orbit

Waxing sweet, waning sour, new bitter, full salty: we’ve lived with these basic four moon orbit-flavors for our entire lives, and we’re used to them. But far fewer people know of a fifth secret phase, one that only occurs once every two hundred years when the celestial bodies line up […]

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Amid Human Rights Abuses and Declining Support for Local Regime, U.S. Backs Coup in Flint, Michigan

May 21, 2019 7:00 pm
Amid Human Rights Abuses and Declining Support for Local Regime, U.S. Backs Coup in Flint, Michigan

As the humanitarian crisis worsens and citizens grow increasingly critical of local leadership, the U.S. Department of State has announced that it will begin actively pursuing regime change in Flint, Michigan to prevent further human rights abuses. Although widespread lead contamination of the city’s water first began in 2014, officials […]

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Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

5:00 pm
Op Ed: Yes, I’m Addicted to Communion Wafers, and No, I Won’t Shut Up About It

There’s this part in the New Testament where Jesus rips off a chunk of his body and turns it into Communion wafers and is all, “Yo, eat some of my flesh!” And while some “progressive” Christians want to claim that that’s a metaphor or whatever, those sadsack excuses for Jeliebers […]

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Op-Ed: Empirically, Frat Guys Paying at Tresidder with Number of Times Vomited is Not a Valid Form of Currency

5:00 pm
Op-Ed: Empirically, Frat Guys Paying at Tresidder with Number of Times Vomited is Not a Valid Form of Currency

“Okay, that’ll be fourteen dollars.” Ah, Tresidder Tuesday. Usually a rainy affair, one filled with the scents of salty desperation, missed dining hall hours, and throats filled with the same old cotton ball statements about how “I’d rather have a brick sunk to the bottom of the sea of my […]

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ResX is Susie Brubaker-Cole Playing Minecraft Alone in a Dark Room for 16 Hours a Day Making Her Perfect Stanford

May 20, 2019 11:59 am
ResX is Susie Brubaker-Cole Playing Minecraft Alone in a Dark Room for 16 Hours a Day Making Her Perfect Stanford

Sources recently revealed to the Flipside that Vice Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole is super dedicated to her job. No, really. She’s putting in 80+ hours a week, but maybe that’s also because she’s all of ResX: a one-woman team, trying to make living at Stanford a better place […]

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Flipside News in Brief: Georgian Mistresses, AAU Surveys, and Night Rabbits

May 18, 2019 4:49 pm
Georgia State Capitol Building in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

Georgia Passes de facto Abortion Ban, Exception for Senators’ Mistresses News came last week of a Georgia bill outlawing abortions, a potential challenge to the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade ruling. Interestingly, the fine print of the bill includes a single loophole — women ages 18 to 22 working under the […]

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Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

4:46 pm
Op Ed: My Body is an Anarcho-Syndicalist Workers Collective, and I Am Merely Its Elected Delegate

I was a king once. As a child, I could command my limbs to move how I wanted, my lungs to breath at my command, my lips and teeth and tongue to eat as much as my greedy little body could hold. But over time my power deteriorated — the […]

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I Frantically Ran Up to An Allegory of a Decrepit, Limping, Blind, Albino Man to Demand Answers Pertaining to Universal Truth

4:44 pm
I Frantically Ran Up to An Allegory of a Decrepit, Limping, Blind, Albino Man to Demand Answers Pertaining to Universal Truth

There I was, late last night, lost and dripping with confusion over the fields of disillusionment. I was miserable, dear reader, because in the wandering of the great desert-snows that is this existence, I had yet to find confirmation of any great Truth, for the seeking of that one final […]

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Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer

12:43 pm
Budweiser Introduces New “Just the Foam” Beer

After years of traditional brew, Budweiser has announced that it will be switching up the game this darty season with a brand new product release: Budweiser “Just the Foam” beer-free beer. Starting next week, “Just the Foam” will be available in cans, 40s, and limited-edition glass steins shaped like aerated […]

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