After Toxic Spill, Local Mutant Baby Born with Power of Cancer

November 12, 2018 7:00 pm
After Toxic Spill, Local Mutant Baby Born with Power of Cancer
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Report: Devil Horny

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Report: Devil Horny
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Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language

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Roommate Procrastinates by Learning Fourth Language

In recent news, yet another momentous achievement by your roommate has served to highlight your own fundamental inadequacy as a human being. While you were playing Fork Knife for the seventh consecutive hour this past Tuesday, recent reports have indicated that your cotenant was learning to speak Bulgarian. “I’m almost […]

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Evil Liberal Turkey Scientists Release Conspiracy Theory of ‘Anthropogenic Thanksgiving’ to Turkey UN

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NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 19:  President Donald Trump speaks to world leaders at the 72nd United Nations (UN) General Assembly at UN headquarters in New York on September 19, 2017 in New York City. This is Trump's first appearance at the General Assembly where he addressed threats from Iran and North Korea among other global concerns.  (Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Sensible, conservative turkeys worldwide likely gobbled at the recent avian United Nations report in which 142 turkey scientists made the ridiculous claim that turkeys worldwide are in danger of their apocalyptically-described conspiracy theory of “Thanksgiving.” In this report, the panel of leftist, anti-Business turkey scientists used fear […]

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Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

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Stanford Daily Editor-In-Chief Ousted by Dead Founder

The Fountain Hopper reported earlier this week that the unnamed-but-legendary founder of The Stanford Daily rose from their grave to express profound disappointment with the journalistic performance of the Daily for the past century. The Daily was founded in 1892, and the enormous spiritual power that its deceased founder had […]

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Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

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Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

The grass on Meyer Green was stained a dark and brilliant red last Wednesday when Viltautė Findlay, now-former Otero Treasurer, was executed, with a crowd of cheering students looking on. Treason at Stanford is defined as “levying War against it, or adhering to its Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort”, and […]

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PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity

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PHEs Awarded $9,000 in Monopoly Money© to Compensate for Pay Inequity

Amidst calls from around campus to equalize payment of campus Peer Health Educators (PHE) relative to their Resident Assistant (RA) competitors, Stanford Administration has finally responded with a solution satisfactory to all parties involved: PHEs will be compensated for the approximately $9,000 difference in pay—$3,075 per year compared to RAs’ […]

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Child Heir to Kazakhstani Throne Doesn’t Even Understand Net Unrealized Appreciation

November 11, 2018 12:00 pm
Child Heir to Kazakhstani Throne Doesn’t Even Understand Net Unrealized Appreciation

I’m taking Econ 106A, and you know what? I’m outraged that when the last ruler of Kazakhstan kicked the bucket, his eleven-year-old daughter inherited the throne without even knowing what net unrealized appreciation was. I mean, this is basic stuff! It’s not like I’m an expert (except I got an […]

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1 Dead, 5 Injured After Tragic Social Dance Collision

November 10, 2018 12:00 pm
1 Dead, 5 Injured After Tragic Social Dance Collision

1 Dead, 5 Injured After Tragic Social Dance I Collision In an unfortunate sequence of events, one graduate student died and five underclassmen were injured after a student let go of his partner during a standard dance maneuver in a Social Dance I class last week. The Stanford University Police […]

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Colorblind Democrat Insists Coming “Grey Wave” Will Sweep Midterms, Turn Grey States Grey

November 5, 2018 7:00 pm
Colorblind Democrat Insists Coming “Grey Wave” Will Sweep Midterms, Turn Grey States Grey
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