I Accidentally Set My Zoom Background to a Looped Gif of the Challenger Explosion and I Have My “Respecting the Victims of the Challenger Explosion” Class in 2 Minutes

May 26, 2020 3:02 pm
I Accidentally Set My Zoom Background to a Looped Gif of the Challenger Explosion and I Have My “Respecting the Victims of the Challenger Explosion” Class in 2 Minutes
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Minecraft Stanford Also Taking Long Time to Install Chanel Miller Plaque

3:01 pm
Minecraft Stanford Also Taking Long Time to Install Chanel Miller Plaque
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“Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple,” FoHo Announces As It Completes Transformation into Trashy British Tabloid

2:59 pm
“Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple,” FoHo Announces As It Completes Transformation into Trashy British Tabloid

“Liar, Liar, Vice Provost on Fire: Susie Brubaker-Cole Caught Lying To Students! Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple! And Special Report: Roble Woman Reveals How Arrillaga Chicken Left Her Pregnant… With Welsh Septuplets!” With these scoops and others, the latest edition of The Fountain Hopper finally cemented in place the newsletter’s […]

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Elitist Fœtus Refuses To Be Born Until Ivy Leagues Open Back Up

2:57 pm
Elitist Fœtus Refuses To Be Born Until Ivy Leagues Open Back Up

Boston, MA— In protest of recent Covid-19 closures, a 7-month-old fœtus is refusing to be born unless ivy league universities reopen in the fall semester. “Ehhhh…. yous guys oughta get yous degrees so yous can woik at Goldman Sachs.” He adds, “Baby needs his melk, needs his moolah.” He seems […]

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Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups

2:55 pm
Stanford Campus Overtaken by Roving Bands of Finger-Snapping, Tap-Dancing A Capella Groups

Some places get bombed-out ruins, some places get totalitarian dictatorship, some places get the bright city with a seedy cyberpunk underbelly, but Stanford’s post-apocalypse looks a little different: stalking through the main quad colonnades and knocking on dormitory doors are roving bands of finger-snapping, tap-dancing a Capella groups. That’s right, […]

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Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone

2:53 pm
Oops: I Changed My Zoom Display Name to the True Name of Yahweh and My Professor Exploded in a Plume of Brimstone

Earlier today during lecture, I was messing around on Zoom and noticed that you can change your display name to whatever you want. “What fun!” I thought to myself. “What a goof!” I was so innocent then, knowing not of the ancient and terrible forces I would unleash with my […]

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Op-Ed: Why Even Have Rush if We Can’t Spit Into Each Others’ Mouths?

May 17, 2020 11:48 am
Op-Ed: Why Even Have Rush if We Can’t Spit Into Each Others’ Mouths?
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Tragic: Break-out Room Collapses, Killing 14

11:47 am
Tragic: Break-out Room Collapses, Killing 14
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Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

11:45 am
Op-Ed: My Coronavirus Dreams Are Just Me Going Through My Normal Day But As A Worm

It seems that this virus has really wormed its way into everyones’ psyches! Since lockdown started, the nation’s collective dreamscape has been weird as shit. My friend has recurring nightmares about being hunted for sport by ecofascists in the Wyoming swamplands, for example, and my aunt keeps dreaming about kneading […]

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Study: Young Men Who Play Violent, Serpentine Video Games More Likely to Eat Lots of Apples, Grow Incrementally Longer

11:44 am
Study: Young Men Who Play Violent, Serpentine Video Games More Likely to Eat Lots of Apples, Grow Incrementally Longer

A new study by the Stanford psychology department appears to confirm parents’ worst fears when it comes to letting their children play violent video games. After exposing a group of young men to one such game, the team of scientists identified a significant uptick in the subject’s likelihood of eating […]

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