Pah! These simpletons up on Capitol Hill, running around like chickens with their legs cut off because President Trump knows a hoax when he sees one—they make me laugh. Ha ha. Even if the media, the government, and the will of the American people have been brainwashed to believe that just because getting fewer votes than the leading candidate means that you lose an election, I know the truth. Come, gather round, you  brainwashed ninny muffins, and hear the tale of how I was the victim of blatant voter manipulation and systemic fraud in the Mountain Grove Elementary Presidential Election of 2009. 

It baffles me to this day how anyone could’ve even considered voting for Marybeth Li, that twerp from Mrs. Roberts’ class who couldn’t tell the difference between palingenetic ultranationalism and her left shoe. She wasted her time at the podium making vacuous promises about reducing homework and extending recess, improving cafeteria—that last one is strictly unconstitutional, thankyouverymuch—whereas I made a powerful delivery that elucidated in clear terms the benefits of libertarian elementary governance for Mountain Grove’s lower class. 

I ‘ve never gotten over the shock of hearing Marybeth’s name over the intercom system that one Friday morning—the cowards even refused to show me the vote count. But I haven’t forgotten the injustice of a near unanimous vote for that trickster, Nasty Marybeth. They will rue the day they forcibly dragged me from the principal’s office as I screamed that our rival middle school, the Westville Bears, had rigged the vote count. Even as the years have gone by I know that graduated students, then in high school, had swayed the vote count through mail-in ballots. So here I sit, knowing that I am the true president of Mountain Grove and no amount of democratic process can ever take that from me, or allow me back in the school after I was expelled.

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