Child labor provider Apple Inc. recently announced that it is partnering with the United States Military in an effort to improve the military’s brand image while committing war crimes both domestically and abroad. Economists are currently speculating that said war crimes will cost three to four times more than comparable war crimes committed by competitors. 

Apple CEO Tim Cook described how “while we’ll of course be contributing GPS, data collection, and other technology, our main focus will be on our trademark aesthetics. You can kiss goodbye to those ugly brown-and-green camouflage uniforms—from now on, it’s a shining space gray with our famous logo right over the heart.” Cook also confirmed that widows of recently deceased soldiers would also be able to fly their beloveds home in a sleek iCoffin for an additional charge. These iCoffins’ sleek design, however, would limit storage space to only the size of children killed on the battlefield. For adult-sized space, the military would have to order the iCoffin+.

Apple has also confirmed that their engineers are excited to innovate entirely new technologies, like the Apple Gun which requires a completely unique type of ammunition. “Just between you and me, I think their R&D is just happy that they’ll be able to destroy lives directly—until now, it’s just been the insidious infiltration of consumer consciousness through social and psychological manipulation, haha,” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper. The Apple Gun, however, can only be charged with a specific charging apparatus that is changed every two years, prompting entirely new orders for the latest Apple Guns.

When asked for comment on their new, discounted partnership with the US government, Apple spokesperson Gina Glasie asserted that their foray into arms dealing had only to do with business and rebranding opportunities, and nothing to do with the ongoing antitrust investigation.

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