Earlier this week, the Flipside had the opportunity to interview local legend Ernest “Shovel Hands” Mattox, a Palo Alto resident of 56 years and a freak of nature born with two large shovels instead of hands.

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However, although Ernest was willing to do an interview, he seemed far more interested in discussing American wealth inequality than his strange and fascinating shovel-handedness.

The Stanford Flipside (TSF): So Ernest, let’s get right down to it; what’s up with the shovels for hands thing, huh?

Ernest “Shovel Hands” Mattox (SH): Well, I don’t know how much there is to say. My mother gave birth to me like this, I suppose.

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Not super interesting, to be honest.

I think the real thing worth discussing is how the American economy has steadily been losing blue collar jobs overseas since the mid-nineteen…

TSF: Lemme stop you right there, bud. Let’s get back to these damn shovel hands, m’kay? Now, word on the street is that you had a bit of a rough early life, with kids calling you names like “Mr.

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Scoops” and “The Mad King Shovel Hands.” How did that impact your childhood?

SH: Yeah, well, kids will be kids, I guess. The bullying was bad, to be sure, but certainly not as bad as how our regulatory system had allowed for corporate domination of industries that should really be guaran…

TSF: Interesting, interesting. And is it fair to say you use your enormous freak-hands to plow snow off your mother’s driveway when you go back to your hometown in Michigan? Because, I mean, damn… that’s gotta look funny, huh?

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SH: Sure, I’ve done that before. Anyways, like I was saying, I feel that the division between the rich and the poor has reached a point where control of the means of production is steadily…

TSF: Ernest, shut up. Just shut up, bro. Can you just answer this one fucking question so I can get out of here? Goddamn. So have you ever been trying to get with a cutie, but when you take her home she realizes you have shovels for hands and freaks out?

SH: Yes. Yes, that happens occasionally.

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