The only person on campus to read informational stickers was horrified to discover that Stanford’s paper towels are made from the corpses of unsuccessful students.

“Stanford is really surpassing other universities in terms of sustainability,” said Green Living Council president Reina Flores. “Not only are we composting our food waste and plastic silverware, but we’re also recycling students who get C’s and below on their PWR papers.”

Flores expressed hope that someday, all linens will be manufactured from the remains of college undergraduates, and she has the support of the majority of the student body in achieving this goal.

Many students said that the towels made from Trees made their hands feel softer and smoother than standard paper towels, but they kind of miss their friends.

Freshman Michael Dickens noted that Stanford’s already impressive 96% retention rate is even more significant in light of the brutal slaughters. “Welcome to Stanford,” he said, “where everyone is either really satisfied, or a paper towel.”

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