According to a representative, the Stanford Admissions office just today announced several changes to its online application.

More thoughtful and profound, the application will now consist of the following essay questions:

  •  What matters to other people and why do you give a shit?
  •  Among the cancers you have cured, which was most memorable and why?
  •  Have you ever seen those cans of aerosol cheese? What’s with them? Who buys that shit?

In order to get a better feel for an increasingly diverse collection of applicants, Stanford has also announced the following “yes/no” questions:

  •  Is your last name Arrillaga?
  •  Are there any aspects of your life that are not both amazing and super chill?
  •  Do you know how to coach underachieving, overfunded football teams?

Please enter below the confirmation number texted to you.

You May Also Like

Facebook Introduces the New New New New Facebook

Earlier this week, Facebook began rolling out its newest round of updates.…

Opinion: My roommate sure loves his music!

My roommate loves his music. Every night like clockwork, it’s on with…

Notre Dame in Shock After Discovering Something They Believed in Doesn’t Exist

South Bend – Following recent revelations in the ongoing Manti Te’o saga,…

Opinion: “I Demand A Recount”

By Frank the Disgruntled McCain Supporter Do you really think the U.S.…