It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for
the recentlyappointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday,
Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a netzero aggregate carbon
footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats
Order Ninety” strategy.
The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a
promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the
United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon
dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98
million carbonintensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero.
Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the
EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry
“I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked
about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!”
In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has
announced a recent surplus of governmentissued meat, which will be distributed among the
homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.