It’s been a tough year for Scott Pruitt, but it looks like things might finally be turning around for

the recently­appointed Environmental Protection Agency head. In a press release Tuesday,

Pruitt proudly reported that the United States has achieved a net­zero aggregate carbon

footprint for the first time in recent history, all due to Pruitt’s innovative “Murder Our Rugrats

Order Ninety” strategy.

The MORON initiative has now completed its first 6 months in operation, and the numbers tell a

promising story. Before the program began, there were approximately 4 million babies in the

United States and the country had a total carbon footprint of 6,870 million metric tons of carbon

dioxide equivalents. Since the strategy was implemented, the agency has disposed of 3.98

million carbon­intensive babies, and reduced America’s carbon footprint to a perfect zero.

Liberals and conservatives nationwide have celebrated the success for demonstrating that the

EPA can be politically successful while still moving away from their nefarious history of industry


“I sure do miss Oklahoma, but boy oh boy do I enjoy my new job,” Pruitt offered when asked

about the success. “I just love being able to work with kids!”

In other news, current Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Ben Carson has

announced a recent surplus of government­issued meat, which will be distributed among the

homeless of Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

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