Last week, news broke that Oklahoma politicians are pushing to ban the AP US History course from state classrooms on grounds that the curriculum is “unpatriotic” and “fails to realize the concept of American exceptionalism.” Now the Flipside gives you the first look at the internal proposal for the new, alternative US History program:


I.               American history predating 1607 foundation of Jamestown is irrelevant and full of Indians, Spaniards, and Frenchmen. Remove.

II.             Consider replacing textbook readings of the colonial period with a screening of Disney’s Pocahontas.

III.           Insufficient emphasis has been put on the true and devout Christian values of our Founding Fathers, blessed be their memories. Even that adulterous Jefferson.

IV.            More time must be spent on the discussion of George Washington’s overwhelming virility. Perhaps make room by removing all mention of the Iroquois Confederacy?

V.              We already talk about Monroe Doctrine and how good of a thing it was, but we could emphasize that even more.

VI.            RE Andrew Jackson: We need to teach students that overstepping the Executive branch’s boundaries is good as long as it’s not done by anyone whose name rhymes with “Oh mama.” Also, we could try calling it the Trail of Happy Smiles?

VII.          We fought the Mexicans in the 1850s because they kept sneaking across our border. Let’s get that straight.

VIII.        Still not sure whether we like Mormons or not; let’s clarify our position on that.

IX.            We should definitely acknowledge that the War Between the States 1861-1865 was a good thing. After all, it ended racism for good.

X.              We need to remember to put in the part where all of the Indians voluntarily packed up their stuff and organized themselves into reservations and casinos.

XI.            Section on the horrors of worker mistreatment in industrializing America and the failures of monopoly-ridden unregulated capitalism to be replaced with section on how to properly masturbate the American Flag.

XII.          The Spanish-American War was fought to free the Cubans from imperialist oppression. Fidel Castro and Che Guevara are filthy ingrates, and any true Cuban today lives in Miami.

XIII.        Theodore Roosevelt was manlier than anyone who ever lived. He definitely was not reckless and did not needlessly endanger the lives of his soldiers.

XIV.        America won World War I because the French were busy making white flags and the British couldn’t figure out how to fire their rifles

XV.          Prohibition was a bad idea and we shouldn’t have done it. But marijuana and LSD are definitely going to turn our children into mass murderers.

XVI.        In 1920, we ended sexism.

XVII.      In a stroke of magnanimity, we saved the Russians in World War II. The British finally proved themselves here too. The Polish and the French did nothing, and the Japanese deserved what they got

XVIII.    It was absolutely crucial to remove all communists from American society so that America would never see a day when Soviets would oppress the masses and limit our beloved freedom of speech.

XIX.        Replace the part where we brutally overthrew democratic governments in Latin America with pithy comments about democracy and capitalism from honorary American, Winston Churchill.

XX.          Rosa Parks was an independent lady that just got tired of racism one day, and definitely not the product of years of political activism and long-fought societal struggles.

XXI.        MLK got rid of racism again, and that’s good. But he shouldn’t have started talking about anti-war stuff or helping the    poor. As for  Malcolm X, he had it coming.

XXII.      We can probably blame Vietnam on either the French or the Russians.

XXIII.    The 1979 Iranian Revolution was all Jimmy Carter’s fault, and definitely has nothing to do with our tacit support of Shah Reza Pahlavi’s brutal and oppressive regime.

XXIV.     Ronald Reagan wasn’t the second coming of Jesus Christ. But he was pretty close.

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