After four years of blasé sighs, insatiable apathy, and open assertions that she should have gone to Yale, senior Courtney Chetwind told friends on Tuesday that she’s “ecstatic” to move to New York City and immediately become disenchanted with it.

“It took only a few hours of NSO for me to be completely over Stanford,” she explained, indifferently eyeing the name-plated lanyard she swears she never even tried on. “I wonder how long I’ll stay interested in New York. Palo Alto is just so stifling- it’s this weird suburban cocoon where there’s no room to breathe. I can’t wait to get to New York, figure out why I’ll think the place is comparably not what it’s cracked up to be, and be completely bored of it in no more than a few days.”

Friends offered that Chetwind could find the Big Apple smelly, loud, or brutish, just as she found Stanford overly manicured, discomfortingly quiet, and superficial. “But if  I wear all black at Stanford,” she pondered, “does that mean I’ll have to wear lots of colors in New York? Such is the struggle of the everyday cultural dissenter.”

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