Stanford Accepts More Morons To Increase Diversity

October 8, 2008 6:00 pm
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Stanford Accepts More Morons To Increase Diversity

By Gordy Fixler

STANFORD, CA—In a new radical movement to revamp the Stanford Admissions program, Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw has announced that the next class of 2013 will have “diversity like this campus has never seen before.”
This is all the consequence of the new DUMB (Diversity of Undergraduate Minds and Brains) program founded this summer, after a study found that all Stanford students were either “geniuses or very smart.”
“We are looking to provide our students with the best possible education,” Dean Shaw commented. “And everyone knows diversity is the best friend of a healthy liberal education. We just weren’t getting all the diversity we needed, what will accepting all smart people and all.”
Diversity coordinators around the university have been echoing that claim. They note the diversity in age, ethnicity, religion, hair color, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, gender, race, athletic ability, hometown, interest in philosophy, bike brands, and height, but the school constantly fails to show diversity in intelligence.
Current Stanford students have been ambivalent about the new program. Many feel that with a lower average ACT score, the university will lose some of its prestige. “Imagine what a 32 average would do to the school,” said one junior majoring in electrical engineering. “It would be horrible.”
Others are hopeful about the changes. Senior Joe Molina told the Stanford Flipside that he often felt intimidated by all the smart people around him. “It would be a nice change of pace to see a bunch of idiots in my engineering class,” he commented. “It would definitely boost my self esteem.”