A recent report by Stanford’s BEAM Career Center has indicated that students who pursue a degree in economics continue to have the highest average starting salary upon graduation, averaging $60,000 per year. Additionally, Stanford Econ majors were found to have the lowest score in basic human decency, as they could often be found checking the Stocks app on their iPhone while declaiming the state of bull markets, cutting in front of you in line at the Bookstore, or telling you about how high the average starting salary for an Econ major is.

Junior Alex Andrews, who knew that he wanted to become an Econ major at age 8, after having seen his financier father berate an airplane stewardess for not upgrading his family to business class, was proud upon hearing the news. “It just makes sense,” stated Andrews, who will be interning for Bain Capital this summer, “as, frankly, our cultural impact cannot be understated. Without us, there would be no financial infrastructure to speak of and no interesting movies about the hubris-driven failures of that infrastructure.”

Andrews, whose interests also include playing Club Lacrosse and being Kappa Sig’s Social Chair, also noted that he did not believe the other results of the report. “Of course, everyone in the department is a fundamentally decent person,” he noted, before striding off to a lunch with friends that he was 40 minutes late for.

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