Alleviating weeks of tension and drama for football players and their families, the NFL lockout has been lifted by the timely return of Soto’s second floor Resident Assistant (RA) to the dorm.
The lockout began hours prior, when NFL all-pro quarterback Tom Brady forgot to take his key to the bathroom down the hall. He considering returning to get the key, allegedly attached to a red Stanford Cardinal lanyard, but reasoned that his roommate would still be there to unlock the door when he came back from his shower.
Tragedy struck at 9:36am when Brady returned to his still-locked, and now vacant, room. Witnesses claim that Brady’s roommate left for the Math Corner earlier than normal on that fateful day, in order to attend his TA’s office hours to apply for a midterm re-grade.
Despite relentless pounding on both his own and the RA’s door across the hall, Brady’s prayers were not answered. The six-time Pro Bowler was left standing in the hallway wearing nothing but a crimson-striped towel, shower shoes, and his three super bowl rings.
“This is an incredibly vulnerable and terrifying position to be in,” Brady told reporters, “I can’t do my job…I can’t support my family. This lockout has taken away my livelihood and my passion.”
Brady paced the hallways, slightly damp and incredibly frustrated, for many hours until the miraculous return of the second floor RA. Using the master key, the RA officially brought an end to the lockout at 12:14pm, just in time for lunch at Wilbur Dining.