Tragedy struck the Engineering Quad this past week, as hopes were dashed and dreams crushed. Despite cries of “isn’t six months a totally standard amount of time to wait for Ike’s?” those queueing since April for a quality sandwich have finally learned of their beloved restaurant’s fate.

“It was just…it was so young, y’know? Ike’s had hi-I mean, it’s, whole life ahead of it,” mourned Isaac Hadley, local CS major and longtime friend of the establishment. “Man, I feel like I haven’t – or, well, hadn’t – seen Ike’s since freshman year. I guess these are the sorts of things that pass you by when you’re waiting half a year for a tasty, tasty sammy. Mmm!”

We caught up with Yanna O’Leary, a former patron of the establishment, in line for the iPhone 6. “This is an uncomfortable time for me. I waited for that sandwich, y’know? I went to Ike’s so often, I was practically married to the place.” O’Leary promptly burst into tears, but managed to whisper that her residence in this new line was her attempt to “move on” and “be with people again.”

Some have chosen to seek satiation on familiar ground, with a line already forming to welcome Ike’s replacement, a new RD&E eatery. Although murmurs of a “vegan Philly cheesesteak” have left some foodies skeptical, most new denizens of the E-Quad are just looking for an excuse not to think about anything for the next sixth months.

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