Oh, hey there, Flipside-reading seniors. Sad because you didn’t get paired up with anyone through Match18? Sucks to suck, ‘cuz I matched with five total baddies with whom I’ll likely now pursue torrid, emotionally-fulfilling sexual relationships until graduation. Check them out!

1. Tammy Two-Toes

Damn, what a catch! Ever since we established eye contact outside Coupa Café last fall, I knew Tammy and I were made for each other. What first caught my eye was probably her large feet, which I quickly learned were not actually feet, but two enormous sausage-like toes. I couldn’t look away from those monstrosities, and after we parted ways I knew I had to make a move before the year ended. Thank God I did, because now I get to cradle those swollen digits as much as I want.

2. Gemmatimonadetes

What a thot! I first encountered this tease of a bacteria in the Columbae bathroom, and though I didn’t know what to say to her at the time, I was glad Match18 allowed us to finally break the ice. Now I cultivate Gemma in my room, regulating her growth in climate-controlled soil samples and releasing her sporadically at various locations around Stanford campus. Plus, I have a single this year, so we can get naughty whenever we want…

3. Rex the Lake-Monster

When Rex and I first met up, I was hunting for beaver pelts in the Canadian bogs and accidentally stumbled into his underwater den. He was so hospitable and welcoming (not to mention devastatingly handsome and scaly) that I thought to myself, “I hope there isn’t a Mrs. Rex the Lake-Monster!” Fortunately for me, Rex was trying to connect with Stanford seniors, and our first date is slated for next week! I’m really nervous, but I plan on wearing my softest algal matting to excite and arouse him.

4. Victoria Murphy

This is the girl you thought you’d match with because you established some tenuously flirtatious rapport and she says “hello” whenever you bump into her. But she was just being friendly; Victoria was and is not romantically interested in you, and whatever hopes you had that she would want to hang out more are totally baseless. You think about her way more than she thinks about you, and you might as well accept the fact that you’re never going to see her again. I will though! While you’re lying alone in your bed, staring at the dark ceiling and struggling to suppress that insistent kernel of self-doubt and anxiety — that biting feeling that you might never fall in love or have someone really care about you — I’m going to connect with Victoria on a profoundly intimate level. I’m going to make her laugh, I’m going to please her in ways you couldn’t, and we’re going to make love. She won’t be thinking about you. She’ll be thinking about me. Fucking loser.

5. Burt the Praying Mantis

He’s a praying mantis that I’m considering dating via a Stanford-endorsed matchmaking program. How funny! How absurd!

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