As the results of Iowa’s caucuses filter in across the nation, campaign strategists and partisans of all stripes nervously hope that their hard work over the past few months pays off. Yet, despite the historical stakes at hand, no candidate or staffer is as anxious as Former President Bill Clinton, as he cowers in fear of Hillary Clinton’s vengeful wrath should she not emerge from Iowa with a resounding victory.

“Every night I lie awake, drenched in fear of what might be in store for me should my beloved and terrifying wife not demolish her political rivals both electorally and in the court of public opinion,” said a visibly shaking Bill Clinton. At night, Hillary Clinton reportedly stalks the halls of their Chappaqua residence, whispering the dark tidings that will befall her husband should she not be crowned the primary winner.

“Obviously I’m hoping for her to win,” said Bill. “She is my beloved wife, the mother of my daughter. Also she will disembowel me with a flagpole should she lose, so really there’s no conflict of interest.”

Nevertheless, reports have surfaced indicating that perhaps even a Hillary win would not be enough to ascertain Bill Clinton’s safety. While the former president’s life would be spared in the event of a slim victory, he would still be subject to regular psychological and verbal abuse in order to curry enough spiritual power to allow Hillary to decisively annihilate her enemies.

As of press time, Bill Clinton was seen hiding under the covers, mumbling to himself ,“she can’t see you if you stand really still”.

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