Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead

May 11, 2020 9:11 pm
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Op-Ed: My Internship at NASA Was Cancelled So I’m Going to Poach Elephant Ivory in The Orient, Instead

I got a job at NASA for the summer. You wouldn’t have heard about it, it was a secret internship where you had to crack a code on their website and then you could find out how to apply. And when I showed up for the interview I gave them my résúmé and my transcript and the people took one look and they all popped massive boners, they said welcome aboard, mister sir, and shook my hand all firm. Well it sucks because of the corono virus thing, my internship was cancelled, and they were going to make me the astronaut and everything instead of stupid stinky Buzz Aldrin. But it turns out, when they told me it was cancelled, the president of NASA himself knocked on my door and he said, mister sir, let me tell you the truth, it’s not because of the pandemic, it’s because you’re TOO smart and you wouldn’t learn anything, we think you deserve better than us, and also you’re too sexy. And I looked over and saw that yep, his pants were tented too, so I said alright, that’s a good reason so I forgive you, because I’m nice like that.

But then I got to thinking, well what am I going to do this summer, maybe I shouldn’t go near people because of the virus but also because I’m too sexy and people might die if they get too jealous. So I thought I should go somewhere remote, and do something where I can learn something I don’t know yet, which if you think about it really narrows it down. So I decided I would become a poacher for the summer, which I hear really pays well, so I’m getting my elephant gun and I’m killing elephants to sell their ivory to all the Chinamen in China and all the Indiamen in India. I think they will be very glad to see me because I speak English and have a big gun and am very smart and sexy, and I think they don’t have the corono there because Trump caused it to boost his ratings in America and they have malaria there instead. This way I will make a lot of money which I will then donate to make water in Africa and if I have time I will make a vaccine for malaria or maybe cancer but who knows, killing elephants is hard work.

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