Freshman Bailey Gibson went into winter break expecting a time of relaxation. After a fall quarter full of new friends, hard classes, and one particularly embarrassing circle jerk debacle involving a Veggie Tales music video, he was looking forward to recharging the batteries for a couple of weeks.
That was until the meeting with pediatrician a week into break.
What started off as a normal meeting quickly fell into shambles. Feeling pretty good after acing the eye exam, Gibson was ready to fly through the general health questions and chow down on some Costco hot dogs with his dad, their annual post-pediatrician treat and their way of giving a middle finger to pediatricians all over.
What Gibson wasn’t expecting, though, was a question about his smoking habits. Did he smoke weed? If so, how often? Once a month? The occasional joint? Spliffs to get him up in the morning?
“I was paralyzed. I don’t smoke at all, but, like, I didn’t want to sound like a complete wuss with my dad sitting right there,” Gibson said after the fact. “What father wants to hear their kid doesn’t even know how to pack a proper bowl in college?”
After mumbling an incoherent answer about federal laws and preferring a hearty line of grade-A blow, Gibson was ready to confess that he hadn’t yet had his virginity taken by the Devil’s Lettuce and take the shame. In a stroke of luck, he was saved by the pediatrician being called for an emergency in another room, whereas the check-up was speedily finished and the father-son duo gorged themselves on hotdogs.
“It was far too close a call. I need to start smoking some King Kong blunts ASAP,” Gibson said. “Y’all know some dealers?”
At press time, Gibson was seen trying to swim in the grass on Stern Lawn, claiming to be with the dolphins.