In a rare press release from the civil-war-torn Syrian government, President Bashar al-Assad expressed shock and concern over the increasingly long wait times at the Stanford post office. Assad, whose administration is accused of several human rights violations and the deaths of thousands commented, “I have heard that at times, during peak hours, the line for packages might extend all the way to the doors. These students have classes to get to! They can’t just wait around for a care package from mom!”


Assad has attributed the strife in his country to external “enemies” who are destined for the torments of Hell, but it is harder to say where the blame lies for the deplorable conditions of the post office. “I’m not saying the employees there aren’t working their hardest,” Assad explained equitably, “but maybe there is a more efficient system they could use.”


The wait time for a package can reach up to 25 or 30 minutes, with some students reporting a wait as long as 45 minutes. Many choose to do homework or make phone calls in line, a dedication to productivity that Assad finds “admirable, but clearly a poor substitute for an effective post system.” Accused of using chemical weapons, Assad commented, “I sure wouldn’t want to wait that long for a package, it sounds awful. And the line for sending mail is so short! It’s pretty weird.” Like many dictators who regularly torture, imprison, and kill political opponents, Assad expressed a strong preference for the Roble Package Center.

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