We have received word from several reputable sources that the rumors are true. The Stanford Administration has determined that there are too many people with “rancid” vibes about campus, and have been taking drastic and authoritarian measures to “correct” the vibe atmosphere on campus. For the entirety of this school year, there has been an elite task force, known as the Vibe Secret Police, patrolling Stanford’s campus, looking for “rancid” vibe honor code violations, such as owning earbuds with strings and wearing rain jackets when it is raining outside. It is crucial that you remain vigilant during this turbulent time, as they will try and reeducate you.

The Vibe Secret Police are recruited from the Stanford student body, and are difficult to spot to the untrained eye. However, there are several markers that can tip you off to their true affiliations. They typically assert their dominance in traffic circles by biking with no hands, giving off a care-free yet slightly menacing aura. Vibe police can also be identified by their suspiciously short response times to your questions on piazza. Sources claim that the vibe police have a subtle uniform used to identify themselves to one another, carrying a 16oz white hydroflask and having exactly one laptop sticker on the bottom left corner of their Macbook Pro.

The vibe police will try to isolate those they deem necessary of vibe reeducation, typically inviting them into a solitary location by suggesting you “check out the cool lights” in their dorm room. Vibe police will typically add in a detail about these lights having vibrant colors or being remote controlled. If you enter a dorm room with colorful and/or alternating party lights and notice that there is a flag of the person’s home state hung on the wall: you are about to get your vibe checked and must escape.

If you are confronted by a member of the vibe police, we recommend the highly effective strategy of asking them if they will “get a meal sometime” and then never following up.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…