Report: Local News Station has Stopped Trying

June 6, 2014 9:00 am
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Report: Local News Station has Stopped Trying

Flipside correspondents on the scene at KSTE report that the local news station for the greater Ellsworth, Minnesota area just does not care anymore. “Nothing important really happens locally that national news doesn’t cover, so we’ve basically given up on presenting news at all,” said Ricky Simmons, head anchor at KSTE. “How are we supposed to fill a 24-hour cycle with stories about lost dogs and Jesus-shaped foodstuffs?”

Now that the only places that play local news are airport lounges on mute, anchors at the small station can pretty much say whatever they want.  “The key thing is to look like you’re saying something significant, to make for a more sophisticated backdrop when people stuck in airports are tired of watching muted off-season sports or The Bachelor,” Simmons told our correspondent.  “We’re actually on the air right now.  We just had Jerry in the back put ‘Important Professor Weighs in on New Discovery’ below your face on screen.”

Jerry in the back had this to say of the station’s recent lackluster broadcasts, “Most days I do a Google search and put up a bunch of pictures of flooded neighborhoods and old mug shots of sex offenders while Ricky talks on the air about his failing marriage.”

Whether KSTE remains on the air in the coming months remains to be seen, but as of now, Good Morning Ellsworth 24/7 continues to broadcast.  Says Simmons, “Part of me wishes the guys upstairs would fire us, but I don’t think they’re watching either.”

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