A recent study by Counseling and Psychological Services has identified imposter syndrome as the leading mental health issue among students who murdered an admitted high schooler and stole their identity, CAPS reported earlier this week.

“Moreso than depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, our research suggests that imposter syndrome is actually the leading psychological issue among Stanford undergrads,” CAPS director Melissa Phan said. “Well, to be clear, not among all of them, obviously. Just among the ones who met a stranger in a seedy Argentinian hostel, found out the stranger had just been admitted to Stanford, forcibly OD’d them on heroin, stole their passport, and ultimately took their spot as a member of the class of 2022.”

“Among those particular students,” Phan continued, “imposter syndrome is rampant.”

While the University has solved nearly all other mental health issues through an internal plan entitled ‘Tressider Bar Distraction’, imposter syndrome remains a stubbornly persistent thorn in CAPS’ side. Yet, as one afflicted student noted, some of Stanford’s counseling services are actually quite effective.

“Late one night during my senior year of high school, I was driving home from a party drunk — fuck you, I don’t need your judgement — and I ran over a studious classmate,” remarked Rick Deftone, a legally-unsavvy freshman who requested anonymity. “Luckily, I found their entire Common App in their back pocket, turned it in as my own, and now I live in Cedro! When I told this all to a CAPS confidential counselor, they were super helpful about printing fake report cards and even forging a glowing rec letter from a made-up gym teacher so I could throw the feds off my trail. Neat!”

Yet even as steps are taken to help students with imposter syndrome, one glaring mental health crisis still persists on campus: duck syndrome.

“That’s when everyone thinks you’re a normal student,” Phan explained, “but you’re actually several dozen mallards stacked vertically beneath a trenchcoat.” (Contreras)

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