Thanks to an anonymous tipster known only by the initials MTL, the Flipside has acquired substantial evidence that the Stanford sailing team’s recent racketeering scandal was in fact only a scheme meant to hide its true crimes. The sailors themselves planted the evidence that ultimately lead to federal accusations of bribery in hopes of throwing the FBI off the rotting, putrid scent of their real crime: organ theft. The Stanford sailing program has apparently been operating a clandestine underground crime ring since 2011 involving the harvest and sale the organs of unsuspecting rival sailing team members. This information initially came to light when a spleen was discovered by the crew team in the shared Stanford boathouse. “At first I thought it was a weird, squishy tomato,” said rower Dallas Dilby, “but it was not.

The brilliant, Sperry’s-wearing schemers were reportedly worried that the FBI was growing suspicious after several profitable years on the organ market. “We were harvesting livers like they were ripe fall apples,” said one skipper who wished to remain anonymous, “but after the third Berkeley sailing captain in a row disappeared, we knew we had to tread carefully.” The answer was simple: concoct an elaborate recruitment scandal which would make national news and call into question the very integrity of American university system. “They say not to speed with a body in the trunk,” said the skipper, “but we figured if we started throwing knives out the windows onto the throughway, the police would be so distracted that they would never even think to check the trunk. And even if they did find the body, they hopefully wouldn’t notice that it was missing its gallbladder and both kidneys.”

Though no arrests have been made yet, it’s likely that this uncovered organ heist will result in at least a few heavy fines. “Looking back, I can’t believe the university missed it,” said one Stanford official. “Their budgeting list every year included 600 lbs of ice, middle school anatomy textbooks, and several different types of scalpels.” At press time, rumors had begun to spread that the sailing team had been selling the leftover flesh to Stanford R&DE.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…