The world’s leading climate scientists have concluded in a recent report that “shit is totally fucked, dudes”. Or in in the more precise terms of IPCC head Maria Rodriguez, “we’ve got ten, maybe twenty years. If oil companies and governments continue to sit on their asses, then ice melts, cities drown, climates change, and everyone dies.”

The coalition of IPCC researchers has proposed a paradigm shift of sorts: a new strategy focused not on counteracting the threat of climate change, but rather on “riding out” its effects, so to speak. Rodriguez explained the plan to, “find someone named Noah, who’s a healthy enough and decent enough dude, to build an ark.” This ark, which is reportedly required to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits long, will purportedly contain two opposite-sex members of every animal species so that when everything is dead, the world can be repopulated.

“So yeah, we might have taken a little inspiration from this thing called the Bibble,” added Liu Hongqiu, IPCC representative for Taiwan, an island that will be one of the first casualties of rising sea levels that will drown out every desperate cry for help and excruciating scream of agony. “Except the only change is that we’re not letting any humans on the big boat. That was God’s mistake last time. We’re just getting this Noah guy to build the boat, and then we’re gonna put the animals on, and it’s gonna sail around the flooded remains of our world. To be clear, Noah doesn’t get to go on, and nobody else does either.”

At press time, all members of the committee that developed “Operation Flood” were laughing the delirious laugh of people who know that the end is kind-of-nigh, but who have nonetheless accomplished something by ensuring the extinction of the human race.

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