According to several recent reports, the Johnson family campfire is “kind of becoming a problem.” What began as a nonthreatening combination of four moist twigs and a fake candle has morphed into “a bit of a national menace, more or less,” according to father Marty Johnson.
Johnson admitted to having initially ignited the flames, saying, “The plastic flame just wasn’t doing it for us – but I didn’t think dousing all the nearby kindling in cooking gasoline would cause such a hullabaloo.” Johnson’s wife Martha agreed, referring to the destructive disaster as “an unfortunate clusterfuck” and insisting that “[her] arson record has nothing to do with this event.”
The fire, which not only tragically ruined the Johnson Children’s s’mores but also incinerated the entirety of West Campus, is continuing to spread. Luckily, the hungry flames receded just after they got to Tresidder, eviscerating Panda Express and nothing else in what can only be described as perfect luck.
East Campus resident Chadwick Kinsman called the roaring blaze “a bit too close for comfort.” Kinsman — who goes through six joints and eight Juul pods a week — went on to explain that “the health effects of the smoke are, like, really concerning.”
The Stanford Administration, on the other hand, expressed relief. “We actually admitted too many students to the incoming class,” said one anonymous official. “In other ways, we planted a few too many trees, so the fire is actually sort of a win. Deforestation is just a natural process on God’s green Earth.”
When President Trump heard about the campfire incident, he immediately provided words of support and sympathy for the victims. “I know just who to blame for this,” he tweeted. “I have four words for you: SMOKEY. THE. BEAR. That no-good left-wing liberal fuzzbucket has been shirking his fire-safety duties for years. Instead of preventing fires, he’s been sparking one hell of a stupid, nasty socialist revolution.”
As of press-time, all West Campus residents have been evacuated and moved into log cabin grad housing.