The Fountain Hopper reported earlier this week that the unnamed-but-legendary founder of The Stanford Daily rose from their grave to express profound disappointment with the journalistic performance of the Daily for the past century. The Daily was founded in 1892, and the enormous spiritual power that its deceased founder had accrued in that time was enough to expel current Editor-In-Chief Teodoro Rahman from the organization with a powerful curse— “Wretch! Begone from this building, wretch, and dare not return unless you wish for large rocks to fall on the heads of your family members, wretch!”

While the Founder didn’t stay around long enough to chat, it’s thought that their dissatisfaction with the state of the Daily stems primarily from articles such as “Searching for Elevator Man, Part I” or “Are chia seeds worth the hype?” “I guess I get where they’re coming from,” Rahman said while packing up his three Macbooks amongst a shower of spectral pink slips. “The Daily is an informative and practical publication first, and fun and welcoming second. What I should’ve been doing is cracking down on content like ‘Nine types of bikers on campus’ and instead making the office a miserable, grey little block of concrete that doesn’t offer anything more than a minimal regurgitation of events.”

At press time, staff at the Daily were unsuccessful at binding the Founder’s spirit to the mortal plane of existence and so were temporarily left without leadership. While a replacement EIC is still being decided, candidates include a news algorithm from a tech startup, a Russian bot, and the recently unattached former Editor-In-Chief from the Fountain Hopper.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…