In the NFL’s annual struggle to boost April ratings with their schedule in flux between the Superbowl and the NFL Draft, Commissioner Roger Goodell has introduced a new slate of concussion-related programming. The programming was created to get American eyes back on the league and simultaneously combat the league’s recent bad press.

“Look, we get that concussions and player safety are of paramount importance,” said Goodell in a press conference, “and we intend to shed light on them. That’s what Concussion Tests Live! is all about. A primetime slot for the public to see the damage that my league has inflicted upon a generation of players’ bodies and minds.”

The show will consists of in-depth coverage, similar to coverage of the NFL combine, of every concession test undergone by active players. Viewers can see proud NFL family men struggle to grasp a 3rd-grade reading comprehension test and attempt to remember their alma mater, all while a panel of former NFL players call them soft and speak to the virtues of ‘being a man.’ Additionally, NFL-approved doctors will lovingly slap players on the butt before sending them stumbling back towards the field, ready to block and tackle and hit with the best of them. Coming to Sunday Night Football in the fall, Goodell hopes the new show will regenerate public interest in the ins and outs of how exactly players’ brains can be rendered a scrambled mess.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…