Dear President Lavigne,

As I’m sure you know by now, your first name, Marc, is a name that many famous people share with you. Marc Bell, the drummer for The Ramones, for instance, and also Marc Bell, the beloved Canadian cartoonist. It is a terrific name, particularly because it ends in a C rather than in a K. The C tacked onto the end of your name makes it sound more crisp and eccentric. It’s the name of a beloved baseball coach or perhaps a successful baker. Unfortunately, Marc, I cannot trust you.

Believe me: I want to trust you. I think that the administrative decisions you’ve made over the last few months have been well-meaning and rational. With that said, however, your name — and I hope that you do not take this personally — rhymes with “narc,” which is a very not-cool type of police officer. There are other types of police officers which are cool, for example, cops with dogs and cops with horses. It would be pretty crazy if dog-cops rode the dogs like horse-cops ride horses. Haha, imagine a police chase where the cops are riding dogs. Oh man, can you imagine if the dogs also had guns? That would be awesome.

Anyway, narcs are the not-cool alternative to cool cops. They ruin fun and also smoke cigarettes to fit in. I don’t trust narcs, and by rhythmic extension, I cannot trust you, Marc. I’m truly sorry, but if you wanted to earn the trust of me and the rest of the student body, you’d change your name to something less controversial like Trevor.

I hope you understand, Marc. You don’t even have a mustache, so I definitely know that you are not a narc. However, I can’t take any risks, particularly after I lost all my money in a friggin sewer drain. Here, I got you some name-change request forms from city hall.

See you on the other side,

Trevor.

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