Look, everybody has their favorite snack. For my roommate, it’s Hot CheetosTM, for my little brother, it’s FunyunsTM, but for me, it’s those dang dangling crittersTM that cover campus during this fateful quarter. Every time I bike past one, all I have to do is open up my yapper and I have a fuzzy gooey snack to tide me over before class!
Now, I know that you must be thinking that I’m nuts or something. But let me tell you how things came to be this way. The first time I ate a caterpillar was an accident. An honest-to-God accident, alright? I was walking along Escondido, minding my own business, done with class for the day and ready to make awkward small talk with my RA. I was thinking about that sweet, sweet 11 AM nap and I opened my mouth to yawn when BAM! In goes one of those spiny larvae.
On reflex, I started chewing what I soon discovered was a wonderful proto-butterfly, and the next thing I knew I was swallowing it, thorax and all. Without thinking, I started grabbing them by the handfuls, storing some in my pockets to munch on later or stashing them in my freezer to save my meal plan dollars for those late-night cravings. (A pizza at Arrillaga is what, $8 dollars? Caterpillars are free.)
What most people don’t know is that caterpillars provide 400% of our daily sodium requirement, and by eating enough, you can actually lower your cholesterol by 600 points! I’ve been a devoted caterpillar-chomper for about three years now, and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.
Sure, I may go to the bathroom about twelve times a day. Sure, eleven of those twelve times the product is more liquid than not. But I’ve lost nearly sixty pounds, and my skin has never looked pricklier! I’ve also lost my entire appetite for anything that isn’t fuzzy, wiggly, and dangling from a line of silk hanging on a tree.
I’ve tried to publish these revolutionary results, but no one’s keen on it, let alone giving the diet a try. I’m not saying I expect any kind of award from the university, but some sort of recognition would be nice. And when the mole people rise up and overturn society, and all conventional sources of food are gone, you can thank me when everyone turns to caterpillars.