It’s getting to be that time of year again: when thousands of admitted students and their family members descend upon campus. There’ll be talk of rival colleges, SAT scores, and dick/brain-measuring contests. Dining halls might even serve vegetables that aren’t steamed. But what all members of the Stanford community will universally struggle with the most? Plastering on an artificial smile and hiding the dead look behind their eyes that can only come after completing their seventh pset in one week or finishing an entire PWR1 RBA in a night.

Students, faculty, and university employees will all have their hands full preparing tours, fairs, expos, and other events which will entertain the shit-nosed brats from April 26 to 28. But among the hordes of logistical challenges that this event poses to the campus, one spiritual challenge looms above them all: acting happy.

Senior Kevin Sholl commented on the event. “It’s the same every year. Dining halls getting more crowded? It’s fine. Work for clubs and events on top of classes? I’ll deal. But damn it all, my blood boils any time I look at one of those little fuckers. They’re all chatting, excited, smiling, making new friends and getting lost and dreaming of spending four years here. Did I used to be like that? I don’t believe it.”

Sources confirmed that a much more honest approach to the event would be—instead of congratulating ProFros on their accomplishments and warmly welcoming them to one of the best universities in the world—introducing Stanford as the place where dreams go to die. Comparative Literature Professor Melissa Xu lamented, “Did you know I offered a class on Tolkien last quarter? I figured that’s a fun topic, even people outside the field would be interested. Know how many people showed up on the first day? One. Some dipshit postdoc who wanted to audit.”

Although her position as a professor prohibits her from making such statements as an employee of the university, Professor Xu personally felt that a better name for Stanford would be Tech Shit University. “Why even bother offering humanities majors? All those bastards are going to be all, ‘oh yeah, I love literature! I love philosophy!’ Doesn’t matter—they’ll all be declaring as CS or econ in a couple years anyways.”

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