Touting the new snack as the future of the baked goods industry, the Keebler Company yesterday announced the release of the “Elf Jam” cookie—a soft, doughy treat filled with freshly processed Elf Jam. “We expect this cookie to redefine how Americans enjoy our products. The Elf Jam is always intimately prepared and lends a surprising, zesty flair to every delicious bite—it’s just darn good goo!” reported Kellogg President and CEO John Bryant at a recent press conference, adding that the Keebler Company would continue to experiment with innovative uses for the tasty synthetic paste. “Speaking from personal experience, once you sink your teeth into these cookies and allow the flavorful jelly to seep onto your tongue and gums, you just won’t be able to look at snacking the same way again. In fact, I wish I had some Elf Jam in my mouth right now!”

Sources confirmed Bryant was reticent, however, when reporters inquired about the recipe and manufacturing process behind the enticing cookies. “Oh, that’s not for me to say,” Bryant smiled. “You’ll have to ask our elves! They worked for months perfecting the recipe, producing batches upon batches of raw Jam for testing and delivery worldwide. I know they all put a little of themselves into each and every cookie, so once you get your hungry mitts on these Elf Jam delights, think of it as a personal gift from our family to yours.”

At press time, Bryant gave the crowd a parting wink and returned to his private chambers to work on his next recipe.

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