Greenwich, CONNECTICUT — This past Monday, reportedly distraught parents Jill and Gary Whiteburger found themselves nearly unable to enjoy their biweekly yachting excursion. It was a tough weekend for the young, beautiful couple who awoke Sunday morning to find that their visually unappealing eight-year-old son Elliot, a boy who had been described as “a cross between Danny Devito and a syphilitic anteater,” had gone missing.

We had the opportunity to interview Mrs. Whiteburger regarding her experience that morning.

“It began like any other Sunday. I woke up feeling pleasantly rested and then completed my morning routine, going off to brunch with a few of my closest friends and spending some time in our sauna. When I finally made it down to the basement to check on my dearest child Elliot, it was mid-afternoon and I was shocked to find that he was not in his bed. I was overcome with an immense feeling of dread and rushed to tell Gary the terrible news. We were both super, super sad and really really worried. We called the police almost immediately, pausing only to open a bottle of champagne because of how totally sad we were.”

The Greenwich CTPD were quick to organize search efforts for young Elliot, concentrating their absolutely best resources into the case. Retired officer Herbert Jobson, 81, was able to give us an update on the situation.

“We have some hot leads, and I am very confident that we are going to find this Edward boy,” Jobson said. Unfortunately, it was later discovered that Jobson is in fact known to have dementia, and was in fact thinking of a case he had worked on nearly 25 years ago.

After hearing the exhaustive search came to a close midmorning, the Whiteburgers began planning a solemn remembrance ceremony for their family and friends. Locations currently being considered include Sandals Jamaica, the Atlantis Resort and the Mango Deck in Cabo San Lucas.

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