After convening for their fist meeting of the year on October 27th, the Faculty Senate revealed a shocking statistic that as much as 50% of the student population are under the naive and misguided impression that the faculty care for their wellbeing. In between vague promises to implement more diversity programs and a brief, tense game of telephone, the alarming statistic was brought to the group’s attention by the Associated Students of Stanford University, and many wondered how the number could have possibly gotten that high.

“I’m surprised we were able to keep up the pretense of concern as long as we were,” says a mathematics professor who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, for the top 1% of students in the world or whatever, you’d think they would have caught on to our utter apathy for their wellbeing a lot sooner.”

“I definitely would have thought the complete disregard we have for their mental health and the dead look I have in my eyes when they start talking would have been some obvious clues,” he continued.

Other senate members agree. “I literally could not give two fucks about any student I have ever taught,” says one source. “If anything, I occasionally feel a stirring of mild contempt for the eager, pimpled faces staring back at me.” Another faculty member added that if students wanted personal, meaningful relationships with their professors, they should have gone to UCLA.

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