Gilroy, CA — Farmer Fred Porter, owner of Porter farms, awoke Sunday morning to find that his prized chicken, Chad, had laid what appeared to be a dope as fuck egg. The find came as a major relief to Mr. Porter and his family, who have struggled in recent months with a seemingly neverending series of janky, garbagio eggs. Perfectly oblong and sporting a coat of pleasant beige, the fine-ass egg laid Sunday now sits atop of granite block in Mr. Porter’s kitchen, a glorious sight to behold for the endless stream of guests entering his foyer, each instructed to “lay them eyes on this bonerific surprise.” Mr. Porter proudly boasted that he had Gilroy’s mayor, Cornelius Burlinson III, as a guest on Monday afternoon, who decried that the egg was the “sickest fucking sight” that he had ever laid his eyes upon.
The news of Porter Farms’ egg spread quickly across Santa Clara county, reminding many residents of the events of last spring when the almond harvest at Dotson Orchards turned out “thicc’r than a snicker.” In these times of harsh political division, the people of Santa Clara have found these recurring agricultural anomalies to be a pleasant diversion. It is difficult for anyone to forget that the wage riots which led Gilroy’s migrant workers to ravage downtown Santa Clara this past August were finally brought to a halt by the birth of a Holstein dairy calf with spots that were, according to one witness, “straight fucking diesel.” Perhaps it is for this reason that elderly resident Dolores Peterdime, 81, commented that “we simple folk of Gilroy can only hope that we continue to be blessed with dankaholic miracles, straight to the dome.”