Realizing the whole of its temperature-maintaining design ethos was being ignored so that it could serve as a “glorified Poland Spring disposable”, the coffee thermos owned by Yusef Dominguez insisted on Monday that it was way too overqualified for its current work assignment.

“Do you see what I’m being used for?” it seethed, “I am 20 ounces of stainless steel Swedish engineering- I am three varieties of metal alloy pressed by thermos artisans– and my owner’s using me to hold fucking tap water? I would literally be boiling with anger right now if it wouldn’t risk raising the water’s temperature.”

The thermos, a Zojirushi Stainless Steel Vacuum Mug with SlickSteel Finish©, insisted that it had been trained with scalding Starbucks Blonde Roast and that its father, an Asobu Imperial Beverage Insulated Cup (Silver, 10oz, with optional tea-catcher attachment), would never stand for this.

“I date S’well bottles, not secondhand ‘Best Aunt Ever’ mugs,” the thermos shouted. “That’s who I am. Oh, sure, put water in me. Then maybe next Saturday you can use me to mix vodka and gatorade before you go out, and then you can lose me when you put me down during the pregame at Kairos. Because that’s who I am now, apparently. FINE.”

The thermos was quieted temporarily as Yusef took a quick swig, then returned to its ongoing tirade, insisting that it wasn’t some “office water cooler Dixie cup”.

You May Also Like

Chilean Miners Wait a Day to Avoid “Coming Out” Confusion

33 Chilean miners, all male, have been trapped in horrid conditions for…

Palin Announces Erroneous Candidacy in 2010 Presidential Election

WASILLA, ALASKA—Earlier this week, former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced that…

Opinion: It’s Colder This Year Than Last Year

Dude, what the heck? It’s like, so much colder than it was…