On Thursday afternoon, over a cup of coffee at Coupa Café, Bobby Sears unsuccessfully tried to convince Joanna Tomlinson that she should date him because single men are more likely to start revolutions.

“In fact,” he reportedly explained to her, drawing off of his knowledge of the topic he had elected to investigate for his PWR2 paper, “The number of young, single men in a country is a significant factor in The Economist’s assessment of which nations are likely to descend into political upheaval and chaos.” When she did not seem to register the magnitude of the danger into which she was potentially dragging the United States of America, he realized he had to present her with concrete examples of some of the things young, single men do.

“Look at me,” he said, “I’m a sexually frustrated young man. All I want is a girlfriend, seriously. Having a girlfriend would keep me from participating in destructive acts such as shooting people, setting fire to vehicles, and overthrowing local governments. That’s all I’m saying.”

As the coffee outing wound down to a close, it was clear that Sears’ newest approach to the Joanna issue had not met with success, though he had been certain that a rational argument would sway her.  After Joanna left without expressing any interest whatsoever in a follow-up date, Sears allegedly walked to Wilbur parking lot and smashed several windshields with his left shoe.

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