WASHINGTON D.C. – In addition to reports of Donald Trump having “too thin skin” because of his impulsive retaliations on Twitter against any sort of criticism, a recently leaked account of the president’s last checkup has revealed that his actual skin is quite thin too. It’s stretched so precariously over his body that just a mild to strong gust of wind could rip his face off. In fact, were it not for his signature orange tan, every single blood vessel in his body would be completely visible through his thin epidermal film.

Despite the disturbing nature of the report, this revelation has offered explanations for some of the president’s questionable behaviors. For example, Trump has been criticized for not accepting briefings every day, but few realize that just the corner of any classified document about Russian military activity in the Middle East could cut straight to his bone.

Fortunately, this very real fear of bleeding out through his pinky finger has not ebbed the flow of Trump’s executive orders. According to White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway, “the president bravely puts his life at risk with every executive order reestablishing the core principles of democracy. The fancy paper is pretty sharp, and who knows what’ll happen if he grips his pen just a little too tightly. Each signature is truly an inspiring sacrifice of our basic freedoms and the president’s dermal integrity.”

Medical experts have no idea why Donald Trump’s skin has the texture and resilience of tissue paper or why he refers to critical news outlets as “fake news”, leaving his fitness for office to be called into question. Regardless, not only does he demand only “nice” questions from the press, but each one of Trump’s strangely wide, no-teeth smiles threatens to absolutely mangle his face.

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