Realizing It’s Only Week 4, Freshman Implodes And Creates Literal Black Hole In Dorm Room

October 20, 2016 12:00 pm
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On Tuesday, there were reports of a black hole forming in a Twain dorm room, with further investigation showing that one of the room’s residents, Ben Backus, had a mental breakdown at 3:16 AM, causing his body to spontaneously implode.

His roommate, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that “Ben just lost it. He just fucking lost it. He signed up for 15 on-campus organizations and is currently enrolled in 35 units, and, realizing that it was only week 4, not having done any laundry or slept in 5 days, he lost all grip on reality and transformed into an ultra-dense form which sucks all matter and towards it. I actually didn’t see it happen, but I viewed from a discreet location with the CCTV camera I installed in the room because I enjoy watching him masturbate while he works on his engineering homework.”

After viewing the footage, the roommate called over a Twain RA who didn’t believe what was happening until she entered the room, only having enough time to shriek “HOLY SHIT THAT’S A BLACK H—” before being sucked in. The few surviving items from the incident were bits of her Math 115 homework, which were taken for burial at office hours.

It is unknown whether this is a medical disorder or whether this is an isolated incident. The university has since released a statement cautioning students to be aware of their surroundings and class pre-reqs at all times.