Early reports from sources in Wilbur indicate that Saniyya Miller, the coolest member of the Stanford Class of 2020, is already “tired of this weird, conform-y, suffocating campus”.  Despite the excited shouts of her RAs, the warm smiles of her newfound dormmates, and a slew of upbeat orientation programming, Miller cited being “sick of this stupid fucking bubble” and “jaded as hell about this school” by 2:30 on Monday.

It remains unclear whether  Miller’s parents had even left campus before she posted on Twitter complaining about “the skeevy corporate vibe” present at Stanford, and that one ought not “even get her started” about the school’s ever-present brogrammers. Later tweets added that Miller doesn’t feel like the Administration is even there for her anymore, and that she’s seen way cooler towers than Hoover in her native “impressively cool European city.”

Another Cedro resident confirmed that Miller voiced being, “tired of being used like a sales rep by the admission’s department”, despite having finished putting up her posters barely 22 minutes before. Various other residents have separately confirmed that Miller periodically sighs, smokes super cool cigarettes, and devolves into bouts of waving her hands while mumbling, “It’s just, I dunno. But Brooklyn.” Our sources requested anonymity so as to avoid being perceived as “lame” or of “liking the school”.

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