UNDER THE SEA – Heading up a 20-man expeditionary crew, local 16-month old and reported ‘smooshie-booshkins’ Timmy Kelly has given new hope to a scientific community on the verge of giving up on its under-sea research. Kelly and his crew piloted a refurbished submarine to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, discovering 10 new species of deep-sea fish and the undersea city of Atlantis along the way.

Kelly was hired for the exploratory adventure, launched by the American Society of Oceanic Progress (ASOP), based on his 12-month history of incredible bath-time adventure and a psychological profile described as “very sweet” by his mother, Lori.  Kelly’s proposed leadership originally came under question, which first mate Dr. Wilson Kennedy stating, “I don’t see why I’m taking orders from someone whose diaper needs changing at the merest sight of a coral reef.” However, Kelly won the crew over with his thirst for scientific discovery and a series of impassioned motivational speeches.

Reports indicate that the wonders found by the USS Binky will revolutionize efforts in marine conservation and aquatic classification, given that Kelly and his team continued to find new species throughout their month-long sojourn in the depths. Kelly will return to the civilian life this week, but insists he will not be changed by fame. “I put my big-boy pants on just like everyone else, with help from my dada and crying all the while,” said Kelly in interview.

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