Smiling and basking in the golden sunlight which has become the norm in the last few weeks, Junior Derek Newman told reporters that on Sunday night he relished in a 11 hour night of deep, wonderful sleep. “I wasn’t that tired before,” said Newman, a likable and modestly attractive computer science major, “but I figured I could squash just a little more sleep debt and start the week off right. And then I did.”

Newman’s night of sleep reportedly followed a relaxing, productive day. Having finished all of his problem sets and papers early, Newman went on a 4 mile run at sunset and then did a 15-minute abdominal workout to further tighten his already powerful core. At 10:30PM, after making love to several of Stanford’s most attractive and kind undergraduates, Newman saw no reason to stay awake any longer and retired to his tempurpedic bed.

Asked what stressors might be weighing on him, Newman said that he couldn’t think of any. “Well, I’ve already locked down fulfilling, well-paying work for this summer and to be honest I made enough selling my startup to last me the rest of my life. I have no bags under my eyes, a bright future, amazing friends to live with after school, and loving parents.”

As of press time, Newman was seen dozing contentedly in a hammock outside his tier 1 house close to the social center of campus, a little smile on his face.

You May Also Like

All the Times My Mother Said “I Told You So,” Ranked By How Stuck I Was in the Town Well

1) The very first time I got stuck in a well. My…

Journalist Wants To Take Acute Angle For Next Article

Stanford Math Major Trying to Solve Sigma Nu

Early Monday morning, a freshman math major was discovered outside of Sigma…

Boehner the Epitome of Class at State Of The Union

WASHINGTON, DC–At this year’s State of the Union address, Speaker of the…