Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

February 29, 2016 12:00 pm
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Family Groans as Power-Crazed Tim Cook Refuses to Unlock the Car

Building on the hubris gained in his refusal to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s iPhone, Apple CEO Tim Cook earned groans and eye-rolls from his wife and two children on Tuesday after adamantly refusing to open the family car.

“Friends,” Cook explained, his partner Eric Jirgens folding his arms and sighing audibly, “this is about so much more than simply driving to dinner. Think about the precedent this sets- if we unlock one car, who’s to say every car won’t become unlocked? And who will decide who unlocks which car, let alone who gets to sit shotgun? Plus, what happens when hackers or fascist regimes figure out how to open our very own vehicles, or even how to drive?”

Cook went on to cite thousands of letters he had received over the past week from everyday Americans voicing strong opposition to him opening the preowned Volvo he bought long before becoming a corporate executive. He read aloud a message from a retiring veteran, saying,  “Refusing to unlock your car and let everyone go to fucking dinner protects future generations of car owners, affirms your commitment to civil liberties, and underscores your understanding of the American dedication to brazen applications of conceptual freedoms. Do this or George Washington will cry.” (Schmutz)