STANFORD, CA—Last Wednesday, scandal erupted at The Stanford Daily when Judicial Affairs officers stormed the building and discovered the newspaper’s dirty secret.
    After a Daily article published that morning brought attention to students’ cancellation of print jobs to save money, University officials looked into the SUIDs of offenders and found that an astonishing number of cancellations were made by members of the Daily staff.

“Each member of the Daily staff made 10,000 cancellations this week,” commented a nameless University technician. “We just had to investigate.”

In the early morning, one of the administration’s well-trained spies snuck into the Daily office and took video footage of the newspaper’s staff printing the University’s most prominent publication on University printers, and then canceling the print job without paying the 10 cents per page. Soon after, the footage was shown to the administration, and Judicial Affairs officers were breaking down the door of the Lorry I. Lokey building.

Upon entry, the Stanford police apprehended 20 staff writers, all caught red-handed hitting cancel buttons. The police also confiscated 24 illegal printers, 16 fake SUIDs, 300 rolls of counterfeit dimes and close to 50 pounds of Dailies whose print jobs were not paid for.

“It was a brilliant plan, and it was saving us so much money,” said Kamil Dada, the Editor in Chief of The Daily. “We were living the high life. We had Chipotle catered to every meeting. We thought publishing this anti-cancellation article and quoting some random student to give it a grassroots feel would divert attention away from our violations. I can’t believe it backfired.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…