Winter Break is generally a time for Stanford students to return to their hometowns and have fun with their friends and family. Unfortunately for Freshman Timmy Jenkins, break took a turn for the worse when his parents got home from yoga to find Timmy hosting a kickback. “I left my door open to assure them I was being safe… I don’t see why they’re so angry.”

Jenkins’ parents allegedly entered his room to patronize him when they found a handle of Peach Smirnoff, a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and a 12-pack of Natural Light on Timmy’s desk. Jenkins’ parents confiscated the alcohol and grounded Timmy for the rest of break. “Why are they being such assholes? I even told them that I’d turn off the music at 11 PM for quiet hours! Next thing you know they will be telling me that I can’t smoke more than 20 feet away from the house!”

Jenkins was deeply saddened and perplexed by the incident. “I was looking forward to showing my high school friends the rules to beer pong and how to count to seven,” said Jenkins. However, Jenkins is looking forward to the future. “At least I know I can go back to Stanford, California, where there is no drinking age and marijuana is legal.”

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