By Mikey Fresh

Listen peeps, I’m a student and I know what it’s like to want to drink alcohol. You’re at a bitchin’ party on campus, the DJ starts spinning Ludacris tracks, and there are hotties aplenty. Suddenly you look around and other students are holding red solo cups filled with wine and/or high-alcohol beer. If you’re like I used to be, you probably want to pour yourself a deep one. But if you’re like me now, you know that alcohol is wack AF.

I was having a pretty bad time of it with chicks, dudes, grades, and the whole lot. But then my friend, who is a DJ, tuned me into some primo knowledge about alcohol. He told me to visit alcohol.stanford.edu and download the sick Office of Alcohol Policy iPhone app. My knowledge about alcohol went from 0 to 100 real quick. On the web I learned how to take care of my friends, prepare EANABS, and even a dank maneuver called The Bacchus Maneuver that positions an unconscious person so they won’t choke on their own vomit yo.

Ever since I realized how lame alcohol was I’ve found all sorts of chill ways to spend my time as a college student at Stanford. I’ve realized that the best buzz in the world comes from writing down a list of things you love and looking at it every day when you wake up. Me and DJ Ooze will sometimes waste a whole day away just throwing a ball back and forth or having a prank war.

Y’all, if you still want to drink there is no way I can finesse you out of it. Alcohol can be a fun part of social life for college students like you or me. But next time you’re about to take a swig of that juice, think about me, Mikey Fresh, and my story.

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