Reports indicate that Gaieties, Stanford’s long-running musical that ridicules our enemies from across the Bay, will this year feature cameos from every athlete currently starting for the Bears’ defense. While this move may surprise many, given that these 11 men will be playing against Stanford on Saturday, many Cal players lined up to explain exactly why they had decided to participate in Stanford’s age-old tradition.

“Here’s the thing.” said Cal DT Mustafa Jalil. “Our defense is trash. The difference between getting a full week’s worth of training and spending three days indulging our deep love of musical theatre is negligible at best. Why even bother at this point? We gave up 777 yards to Oregon. I may as well play ‘RA Quigley’ on Wednesday. It’ll be less embarrassing for me.”

Cal CB Darius Allensworth also chimed in, saying, “As you can see from my pass defense, I have very little experience with football. From an early age, my love has always been for the theatre. As such, I am excited to play the role of ‘Cal Bad Guy #4’ for the duration of the three day run. And on Saturday, I will return to my regular role as, ‘Cal Guy Getting Beaten 20 Yards Downfield.’

That the show has integrated the 11 new cast members on such short notice has not gone unnoticed by the Bears. “Everyone here is so nice,” said FS Damariay Drew, “now I’ll have fond memories to go along with the ones of flailing ineffectually at Christian McCaffrey.”

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