“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

April 9, 2017 12:00 pm
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“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

STANFORD, CA—Citing the French leader’s devastating military campaigns and egomaniacal desire for power, sophomore Chaz Jackson reportedly declared Napoleon Bonaparte a “douche” in yesterday’s FRENCH 132 section. “Yeah, I mean, I guess he did some cool stuff, but at the end of the day Napoleon was really just a big fucking douche,” expressed Chaz forcefully, providing an insightful and wholly original interpretation of Napoleon’s complicated legacy. “Like, yeah, the whole democracy thing was chill, and he was definitely a skilled commander, but he killed way too many people for me to think, ‘hey, this guy’s not a douche.’ Nah, he was a big ‘ole douche, no question.”

When asked by the teaching assistant, Matt Parker, whether or not the liberal reforms Napoleon introduced to conquered territories at all changed his bleak outlook on the famous general, Chaz insisted emphatically that no argument could sway him from his strong position. “No, fuck that guy,” said Chaz in a pointed retort. “He sucked. So what if he came up with some stupid code and promoted religious tolerance? He was short and annoying. Probably had a small penis too. Besides, he got his ass handed to him at Waterloo and Berezina, and after that he spent the rest of his life just jerking his little stub-dick off on Saint Helena. What a fucking loser.”